Hostess Translations

Some people have a demeanor that may be non-concurring to their attitude. For example, some people have an approachable demeanor and an atrocious attitude and some people have an unapproachable demeanor and can be the nicest people you've ever met; of course as a hostess I've been told a few times that I have a 'resting bitch face'. Nonetheless, in your training as a hostess, although you're taught to provide unflinching service with a smile no matter what, sometimes, your hostess comprehends something you say ALL wrong. So, to elude any type of further confusion from you-the guest or the hostess-here are a few things I hear almost everyday, that can be translated into something totally different because as we all know, misunderstandings happen all the time but the hostess gets blamed for it.

What the guest said: I would like first available.
What the hostess heard: Whatever comes first, it doesn't really matter to me, I just want it to be fast.

• Some restaurants, like mine, have outdoor seating as well as indoor seating and if it's preferable, all you have to do is ask the hostess before you're seated. If the restaurant is really busy as mine is most of the time, there is usually a wait time (one is usually longer than the other). So sometimes we have guests who think that when we say first available we mean whatever comes up first inside whether it be a booth or a regular table when we really mean, whatever comes up whether it's inside or out.

What the guest said: Is it possible to switch to that booth over there?
What the hostess heard: I want a booth, I'm going to sit in one whether you like it or not.

• There isn't a restaurant in the world that doesn't have this problem; booths. For some reason, people love sitting in booths but have some sort of issue asking for one before they're seated. You're walking these lovely lovebirds to their table in your restaurant, a regular two-top and as you're walking them, they see a glorious booth. As they are seated amongst a sea of people 'too close to other people' and 'small table' or 'I want to sit next to her' is what I hear all the time. If it was really a big deal whether you had a booth or not, you would've asked for a booth whether the hostess asked you or not. The big thing for me is when people lie and say 'I told her I wanted a booth.' Well, if in reality you told her that you wanted a booth, she would've given you one.

What the guest said: No, no, I refuse to sit here, this is the smallest table in the restaurant!
What the hostess heard: You stupid little @#4&%! Why would you seat me here!?

• Most of the time, if you don't like your table, it's not because the hostess hates you. That's the number one rule: Don't take ANYTHING personal at a restaurant. If you walk into a restaurant with the expectations of being primped and pampered, ask for that, but use your words. Calling the hostess offensive, demeaning names or asking for a manager to get whatever you want is not the right way to go about it to be simply put. Do you feel like a big person because you told the insipid little hostess off? You can ask for whatever you want and any service person at a restaurant will give it to you but you don't have to be rude about it. If you don't like your table, there are two things you can do to avoid getting a bad one (1) Ask for what you want before you are seated (2) Tell the hostess what you'd prefer instead of the table you were given and if you're not prepared to wait, you're SOL my friend.

What the guest said: What do you mean there's no server?

What the hostess heard: You've gotta be kidding me, you have no servers? That doesn't make any sense!

• If the restaurant is particularly big, as in has a few more than 5 stations or a few more than 5 servers like my restaurant (Has about 25 stations) they probably don't have all of the servers on at the same time for two reasons: labor costs & flow of service. Labor costs are a big deal in the food industry--minimize labor costs, maximize profit. This is why there are always openings in the food industry because unless you're a manager or higher you're usually overworked and underpaid. It's really selfish of the restaurant to have servers open their sections at different times but it's business. Flow of service is a big deal because the restaurants job is to make sure that they make money ultimately, yeah the customer's always right and other good things but they have to make sure that every server makes money while also keeping them happy; not triple+ seating them-giving them more than 3 tables at the same time thus causing them to be stressed because they have to do 3 times as much work as they would than if they got 3 tables in a steady flow, making them take tables out of their section-usually servers have 4/5 tables at a time, if you want to sit in a closed section, that means they have 5/6 tables and this can lead to horrible service and then a stressed out server. Don't take it personal when the hostess tells you there's no server, follow the restaurants rules.

What the hostess said: Do you mind leaving your stroller up front?

What the guests heard: That stroller is an abomination and you should get rid of it.

• Some restaurants have a special place to store things with wheels--luggage, strollers, wheelchairs, wheeled or non-wheeled walkers, etc. When the hostess asks you to leave your wheeled items it either means that there is no room at your table for them and you'll be blocking another table or that they see that you look worn down by your bags and want to help you take a load off, literally. A lot of mother's come to the restaurant and want a high chair as well as the stroller, this takes up precious restaurant space. Especially at restaurants that don't do reservations and set up your table upon arrival. Some guests (mothers mostly) act like the hostess has a personal vendetta against them and just want to take rip their children out of the stroller and away from them. Bottom line, hostess are not monsters, we're simply trying to help.

What the guest said: We are a party of 3 kids, 4 adults, my parents, my niece, a highchair and a stroller

What the hostess heard: So that's like what 50 people?

• Other restaurants may need to know exactly how many people you have as in the statement above, but it's ultimately helpful to the hostess if you just say your party size in numbers. Going through this long dissertation of people doesn't really help the hostess, all it does is confuse her. Just say how any, total, in number, you can sort all that other stuff out later. In this scenario above, you can just say 12 people, easier for the hostess and saves your breath.

What the hostess said: How many people are physically in the restaurant now?

What the guest heard: You're a lying moron, your party's not here.

• A lot of restaurants don't seat incomplete parties; as in if you're a party of 8 and there's only 2 people they won't seat you until you have at least 4 or 5. This is only of course if the restaurant doesn't take reservations. When the hostess asks you how many people in your party are here, she's not badgering you because usually you're lying she's asking because the managers are watching her and don't allow seats for people with large parties that are incomplete. So to avoid a serious interrogation, do your part and have your party there when your table's ready.

Your Hostess Loves Spoofs of Restaurants!

Since becoming a hostess a year ago, I've realized that not only do a lot of people misunderstand the hostess but also they misunderstand that it's not the hostess making the rules, it's the restaurant. I feel almost as if the restaurant is the government/legislature and the hostess are the police officers but when stuff hits the fan, the legislature throws the police officers under the bus every time.

Digressing from my bitterness, I have seen many spoofs of full service restaurants such as the one I work at but here I have, a prime example of one that really hit home for me. This is the episode of TV sitcom My Wife and Kids where the Kyles take a reluctant trip to a Japanese restaurant where everything seems to be going awry.

In an attempt to get the whole family to high tail it back home so he could watch a very popular basketball game, Michael [the father] tries everything in his power to destroy the night so the family can go home. First, Michael pushes Kady [youngest daughter] into a Koi Pond at the restaurant and she gets all wet causing Janet [the wife] to buy her a $60 sweatshirt just so that she could be dry. Second, Michael finds that there is a long wait for a table and the hostess offers the family to hang out inside the Toko Lounge while they wait, Michael accepts and goes to purchase an overpriced drink and is becoming increasingly annoyed. Michael then walks over to the hostess stand to check on his table and the hostess tells him that his table was ready 20 minutes ago and that she buzzed his pager 82, twice. Michael then rebuts that the buzzer never rang and the hostess then recalls; his buzzer doesn't work-she gives him a new functional buzzer, pager 140. After getting seated, Michael realizes that he is sitting with a man he'd had a confrontation with at the gas station earlier that day and becomes infuriated. He realizes that the hostess took a sip of his drink and asks that he receive a new one free of charge while the manager steps in to diffuse the situation Michael also reports that the price of the sweatshirt is entirely outrageous and he learns that it was actually more expensive than he was charged. At the end, there is a blowout between the Kyle family and the family unwillingly sitting at their table.

I found this episode hilarious because these things are some of the situations I encounter in my everyday work experience, it's easier to laugh at it when it's not happening to me and I want to share my love of restaurant spoofs with everyone.

Here is the episode in case you haven't seen it: My Wife & Kids: Table for too Many

The Hostess May Hate You But She Loves Giving Back!

I don't usually write about things like this in my blog but I attended this great event supporting the spread of awareness of HIV/AIDS. The event was planned and carried out by cousin Todd Bethell. I was personally honored to be invited to this event because of the cause but also the fact that he made his very own awareness day and he made it fun. For those of you who may or may not know, World AIDS day is December 1, 2014.

The event was held at the Biscayne Shores and Gardens Park on February 28. The park is a great spot, my dog loves it there. I was kind of scared at first because although we posted flyers almost everywhere in Miami Shores, the turn out was small--at first. There were a couple people who showed up because they saw the flyer and they brought red items some even going as far as to bring Doritos chips, Twizzlers and I've even seen a red light bulb go up. Then we had a couple passers-by that saw what we were doing and wanted to be a part of it so they went and got their red items and joined our event.

I had a great time while also getting some helpful information including websites to get the latest statistics about HIV/AIDS and also information about where I can get tested. One of the speakers also did a great game with trivia about HIV/AIDS and dispelled common myths and stigmas about HIV/AIDS. All in all, I think Project X-Out AIDS was a success and a Friday well spent.

Here are a couple websites that I got from the event:
• Latest statistics about HIV/AIDS, information about the disease and events supporting awareness of HIV/AIDS: AIDS.gov
• Thrift store, donate to AIDS Healthcare Foundations, get a prescription filled, FREE HIV Testing: Out of the Closet
• General gynecology information, STD Testing (as well as HIV testing), Obstetrics and Cosmetic information: Women & Teens Healthcare
• Pregnancy/parenting advice, STD/HIV Testing, STD/HIV information and pregnancy and sex information: Planned Parenthood

And lastly, I will leave you with these awesome shots I got at the park during the event.

Project X-Out AIDS Flyer on local wire pole

Participant holding Project X-Out AIDS flyer before event

After the ribbon was finished, young girl eating left over Twizzlers candy

Todd Bethell, my cousin and creator of the event, posing in front of the finished product

Bathroom Hygiene

I understand that I live in America and that there are a lot of people who come from many different countries, cultures and backgrounds who visit my restaurant. I also understand that American public bathroom hygiene and procedures aren't the same as someone from Europe.

At the restaurant I work at, the hostess are in  charge of making sure that the bathrooms [ladies of course] is spotless for hygiene reasons and obviously because the bathroom is a clear indication of how clean we keep our restaurant *sarcasm alert*. It's also connected to a mall which of course people who aren't dining with us will use our bathrooms.

Either way, here are a 5 things I've noticed that people do in the women's bathroom besides their 'business':

1. They put used tissues in the small trash can and not in the toilet.
• I initially thought that tissue was made to be flushed down the toilet. I guess I was wrong. I've noticed even sometimes they're not even gracious enough to put their used tissue in the toilet nor trash can--they simply throw it on the floor, even better method of disposal!
2. A lot of people don't wash their hands.
• I've been cleaning the restroom sometimes and watch some women come right out of a stall, walk out the door and proceed to their table where they will use their hands to touch the menu, the complimentary bread and eventually their dinner. I don't know if the thought of washing your hands slips their minds or maybe they are just not accustomed to washing their hands after using a public restroom.
3. No one flushes their disposable seat covers.
• In most good public restrooms, there are these disposable paper seat covers for the 'sitters' [people that enjoy sitting freely on public toilets]. I've started to see that although a lot of people put them to use-good-they don't flush them down the drain along with their 'business'-bad. The idea of the DISPOSABLE seat cover is for you to use it, then flush it as if it were tissue.
4. Moms like to wait for the handicapped stall. No matter what.
• Yep, it's true, I've seen a small child pee all over the bathroom floor [which I had to clean, pfff.] All because she didn't want to use the small stalls to let her child use the bathroom. It all makes sense because our changing station is inside the handicapped stall. So, all in all, if you see a mother in the restroom with a stroller and screaming child, she's waiting for the 'big stall'.
5. Some people don't really use the bathroom.
• Just as if you were home, there are some conversations you can only have in the restroom. A lot of people take 20 minutes in the bathroom not because they're sick, they have a phone call to make and don't care that people are waiting to use it.

So there are 5 things I've noticed foreign people do in the restroom. Lesson? Tissue goes in the toilet, always wash your hands after using the restroom, flush your seat cover, let the moms in the 'big stall' and be courteous to people waiting.

Signed,

The [UN]Happy Hostess

Hostess Rules

1. Don't go roaming around her restaurant looking for open tables.

• Rest assured that she has someone to let her know what tables are open, you're the guest act as such.

2. Don't tell her there's no difference between one table and the next, there is.

• If you insist there's no difference between one table and the next, you would be sitting wherever you want. Maybe the section is closed, maybe the table is being held for someone else. If you don't like where the hostess sat you, use your words.

3. Don't lie to your hostess.

• Whether you're lying to get a sympathy table or lying to exaggerate to manager for free stuff, lying is never necessary. For example, lying about the size of your party to get a shorter wait time; there is a huge difference between a party of 2 and a party of 3 or a party of 7 and a party of 9. This leaves someone-regardless of age or size-without a seat, then you blame the hostess. She knows you're lying anyway.

4. Don't sit for 30 minutes and ask to move to another table.

• There's nothing more annoying to your hostess than when they thought they've successfully seated you and got you out of the waiting area, we pass my and your appetizers are on your table but wait.... The server comes over to ask if their table can move to a nearby booth. If you're not comfortable with your table, let the hostess know in the beginning.

5. Please bring at least half of your party with you.

• It can sometimes be hard when dining out with a large group. Most restaurants expect at least half of your party to be with you when your table is ready. For instance, if someone walks in the restaurant for a party of 12 people and when your table is ready they're only 4 of you there. Now you're probably saying, what's the big deal, they're coming, I'll order for them, just seat us! Easily this can turn into a party of four, costing the restaurant to lose tables (which they saved for you) money (that they lost because your 8 other people decided to not come anymore) and mostly time (in which they could've seated several other parties.). At least if we have majority of your party here, we can still hang on to the issue of your party's arrival and make some money because there's 8 people there not 12. As a matter of fact, the restaurant I work at allows for parties of 5+ to have at lease 75% of their party physicallyin the restaurant before being seated.

6. Just because they're not eating, doesn't mean they don't count.

• A lot of people go to restaurants and try to do anything to leave a person out if the wait is long, especially small children. The excuse? He/she's not eating so it doesn't matter. Actually, it does. There's no room for a high chair at your two-top.

7. Don't ask for a first available table if you know what you prefer.

• Something that can really ruin a hostesses shift is when people ask for first available (whatever table comes first-whether it be inside or outside for restaurants that have inside/outside seating-but already know what they prefer. We usually ask your preference if there's a difference but if there's something you truly prefer, tell the hostess or else you may not get it. Ask and you shall receive.

8. Threatening to call higher ups don't really 'scare' the hostess.

• When you're not getting your way in a restaurant, some people take the easy route; leave and never return. Others tend to take the 'I-want-everything-complimentary'  approach and insist that the managers give them everything free to make up for a bad experience. Lastly, we have the people who threaten to call corporate offices and complain. The hostess are so far down on the totem pole of the restaurant that nothing scares them, including the threat of corporate getting called. First off, it doesn't solve anything immidiately and unless it was so outrageous (someone made an offensive comment towards you, someone physically/sexually assaulted you, etc.) nothing will really be done about it.

9. The hostess does not care that you've worked in a restaurant before.

• When a hostess is talking to you, you don't have to say '...I know I used to work in a restaurant'. Firstly, we don't care, second, you haven't worked at this restaurant so that doesn't apply and lastly, if you know so much about restaurants and working in the , how come you're so angry that you can't have a booth because you didn't ask for one? It's also rude and insulting when you're condescendingly telling the hostess that you use to be a hostess. That's a wrong way to tell your hostess how to do her job.

Your Hostess Hates You Because... You Didn't Tell Her What You Wanted.

When you walk into a beautiful restaurant, for those of us who go for scenery, you expect to be seated at the most beautiful table in the beautiful restaurant. But does the hostess know that? As a hostess, our jobs are to make sure you have everything you need to enjoy your meal; menus, enough room for your whole party, any special kids menus/dietary menus and most important of all: a table you actually want to sit at

Scenario:
You walk into 'This Restaurant' and suddenly the aroma of food draws you closer as you float towards the hostess stand. Party in tow, you're ready for a beautiful table and tasty food. The restaurant is buzzing with the 7 pm rush but you're willing to wait.

Storyline:
Hostess 1: Hello guys, welcome to 'This Restaurant' what can I do for you folks tonight?
Family: We would like a table for 4 please.
Hostess 1: To dine inside or outside in the covered patio?
Family: Inside please

Hostess: No problem at all, I'll have you seated in the next 15 minutes OK?

Family: Sounds good to me!

Hostess 2: Family, party of 4? Family?

Family: That'll be us

Hostess 2: Great, follow me this way

Family: *Grimacing at sight of table*

Hostess 2: Here we are guys!

Family: I see you guys are kind of busy but can I trouble you for a booth maybe?

Hostess 2: No problem, let me check with the hostess up front

*Hostess 2 returns*

Hostess 2: No problem, I have a booth for you right over here.

Family: *Grimacing again* Can we have that free booth by the window?

Hostess 2: Sorry, it's taken by another party who requested to sit in a booth.

Family: I've been waiting before them, and now I'm requesting to sit in a booth and you're telling me I can't?

....

This Is Why Your Hostess Hates You:

You can't walk in a restaurant and expect to be seated at the exact table that you want because the hostess can't read your mind, unfortunately. Everything just goes better if you tell your hostess what you want in the beginning. If you want a booth by the window or a regular table that's in a quiet place, no problem, say that! My motto is, if you can't tell me where you want to sit, you deserve to sit at a table you don't like. To wrap this up, always tell your hostess exactly what you want and there won't be any drama later.

Your Hostess Hates You Because... You Sat Yourself

When you invite someone over to your home, you expect them to be comfortable but as a guest in your home, they should allow you to be hospitable.

That's sort of how a restaurant works, we welcome every guest, but please, allow me to get the door for you, allow me to set you and your party up with the perfect table.

Scenario:
The 'This Restaurant' has just opened for the day and there are only a few sections available for service, a guest walks in through one of the alternate entrances/exits and seats themselves with 3 other people.

Storyline:
Hostess 2: Is Table 84 open?
Hostess 1: No, why?
Hostess 2: Because there's like 4 people sitting there, they don't have menus or anything

Hostess 1's face

Hostess 1: You have to get them up or go tell them something.
Hostess 2: *walks over to the table* Hi, did you guys seat yourselves?
Guest 1: Yeah, we've been here for about 20 minutes and haven't seen a waiter at all
Hostess 2: I'm very sorry about that but the only reason why you haven't been waited on is because this section is closed
Guest 1: So you're telling me all these people walked passed us and didn't tell us we're sitting in a closed section?
Hostess 2: I'm very sorry about this, I can move you to a section that's open and get you some menus so you can get started.
Guest 1: No, we're not moving anywhere, we'd like to stay here.
Hostess 2: No problem....

This Is Why Your Hostess Hates You:
When a restaurant has just opened, you can't expect for every section to be open unless it's a very small mom-and-pop restaurant or if it's a buffet. When you're eating at a full service restaurant, you must wait to be seated and they do this for a reason; the servers will make more money and the flow of the restaurant is organized. Each party that waits to be seated is spread out amongst multiple servers and people get to sit where they want to sit-if you wait to be seated that is. In this story, our 'self-seaters' just happened to sit in a closed section and refused to move to a serviced section, this means that a server who 's probably already handling 4 tables, has to take on 5 tables or there is a server who has to be called in earlier. Your hostess won't hate you if you don't treat her like decoration.

Signed,
The [UN]Happy Hostess